


I surrender who I've been for who you are

by alexanderskargard



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Already regretting this, F/F, F/M, any doubt pls go to my tumblr, horny teenagers au, repost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2018-08-15
Packaged: 2019-06-28 00:52:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15696816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexanderskargard/pseuds/alexanderskargard
Summary: “Um, the guy who’s going with us, Lex, he doesn’t know about me being…”“Kryptonian?”“Alien” he takes a deep breath “The house in which we’re gonna stay is actually his and he’s bringing his little sister. They’re good, but… Lex has some ideas…”“It’s okay, Kal” she replies, remembering one boy in AP chemistry class talking about aliens and how they don’t belong on earth “If you think he’s good, then he is good”.or the au in which they met as (horny) teenagers bye





	I surrender who I've been for who you are

**Author's Note:**

> canon au-ish? i decide to ignore Lena's canon age and in this au she's the same age as Kara. okay? U N B E T A ...

“Everything is so loud”

  
“I know” he says “It can be overwhelming”

  
“What is overwhelming?” Kara asks in broken English.

  
“Sometimes, things are just too much” he explains with a smile.

  
Earth is too much, she thinks, watching the blue horizon. They are on a rooftop, only birds can reach them now. Krypton was all reds and oranges, a routine perfectly timed. She was already promised to someone at only thirteen and all that security was wiped away in a single moment. It’s been years for Kal but Kara still remembers her parents, their customs.

She is alone.

  
“I focus on a particular sound” he continues “The sound of the waves, my own breathing or a heartbeat, that always makes me calm”.

  
She tries. The glasses help, of course, they help with the vision and sometimes the hearing but she needs to learn, she needs to learn how to be a human, even if she doesn’t want to. His heartbeat is so much like hers. A little faster and stronger than a human heart. It doesn’t calm her, only makes her more anxious. The birds are singing and she tries that sound next. Is different and something new, something that Kara hadn’t known.

  
Later, after Kal brings her back to Midvale, her new home, she wakes up in the middle of the night, sweating, the destruction of her planet still fresh in her mind, as it was just happening in this moment, behind her eyelids, the screaming of millions in her ears.

  
The drawer beside the bed cracks and it’s like the fifth in a couple of months to break under her hands.

“Kara! Kara!” Alex is there by her side “Calm down, it’s okay, you’re alright, you’re here” she tries to hug her but Kara doesn’t want to hurt her. She promised Jeremiah that she would take care of Eliza and Alex, Kara promised him.

  
“I… can’t…”

  
“Breathe, just breathe” Alex says “I’m here, I’m with you”

  
There’s no birds in the sky right now but Alex’s heartbeat is next to her so she focuses in the sound just as Kal said. Alex’s heart is not like hers (or Kal’s), is calm and steady, pumping life through her veins. Kara takes a deep breath, and suddenly the only sound is that of Alex’s heartbeat. Alex is human but she offers Kara the comfort she needs while Kal comes and go, being there but not really there. He’s like a ghost, a constant reminder of the world they lost and she wonders if when he sees her there’s a shadow in her eyes of a life he never knew. After all, Kara knew his parents, Kara knew his world, Kara was loved by the members of his family, while he is here, on earth, desperately wanting to be human.

* * *

 

  
“It will be just one week” he says, his tone begging her to accept.

  
“I don’t know…” and Kara really doesn’t. She feels like a traitor, wanting to spend time with Kal, really spending time with him. It’s summer and she is going to college in the fall and he seems honest about wanting to be with her in a real vacation.

“It won’t be the same while you are on college” he insists and part of Kara knew he was right: Alex went to college last year and she was busy all the time with works and dead-lines “Come on, please Kara. You’re gonna have fun, I promise”

  
Eliza encourages her to accept and she keeps Alex in line but Kara knows her sister is disappointed, she lives on campus and it’s the first time they are together for more than a couple of weeks. That was one of the reasons for her hesitation: she loves Kal but he wasn’t there for Kara when she needed him the most, it was Alex (and Eliza) the one who dried her tears, always there with her open arms. Kal is her only relative alive, Kara wonders, not for the first time, if blood really is heavier than water.

  
“Okay” she concedes and his smile is wide and open.

  
From time to time Kara saw uncle Jor-el in the way he tenses his jaw or even when he laughs but is Lara’s eyes on his face what brings her nostalgia for their dead planet. That night when Alex asked her about her plans for the summer, Kara is honest with her and wait for her inevitable anger (Kal is not her favourite person), but her sister just sighs and she talks about her classes and her new friends. It seems that even now that Kara chooses her cousin over Alex, she’s noble enough to not let her see her true feelings about it. And again, Kara thanks Rao for the Danvers, their infinite kindness towards her and how when she is with them, Kara doesn’t feel too alone.

* * *

 

  
“One more thing” Kal says trying to tame down his hair. They had flown together here, he taught her how to land without breaking everything around them, the force behind it and how she needs to choose somewhere safe to land, away from privy eyes. Flying is incredible and Kal seems to have all the knowledge about it “Um, the guy who’s going with us, um Lex, he doesn’t know about me being…”

  
“Kryptonian?”

  
“Alien” he takes a deep breath “The house in which we’re gonna stay is actually his and he’s bringing his little sister. They’re good, but… Lex has some ideas…”

  
“It’s okay, Kal” she replies, remembering one boy in AP chemistry class talking about aliens and how they don’t belong on earth “If you think he’s good, then he is good”.

  
“Great” he claps “Um, also, maybe try call me Clark, I mean… I guess I can say is a nickname but…”

  
“That’s fine… Clark?” she is gonna try to play by his rules, he never asked Kara to stop calling him by his kryptonian name but this must be important to him so she will try to make him happy.

  
“Thank you, Kara” he smiles, taking one of her cases with one hand “Too much for an eighteen year old girl, right?”

   
Kara laughs, playing along.

A car is waiting for them and it takes them to a private platform. This guy, Lex, seems to have a lot of money judging by the jet in front of her. Kara smiles: she has nothing and yet she is capable of flying without a plane. Power is just an illusion.

  
“Lex!” Kal… Clark greets a man. Lex is wearing a suit that probably costs more than all their clothes together and he smiles at her cousin, hugging him. They exchange some words and then Clark looks at her

“Lex, this is my cousin Kara Danvers”.

“The famous cousin” Lex clasps their hands together and she is careful to not break his fingers “I’ve heard a lot about you” Kara is nervous because whatever Lex has heard it’s not the truth “Don’t worry, when he told me you’re from California I liked you already”

  
“Lex” Clark warned, but his tone was playful.

  
“What is it, Kansas?” Lex replies and she laughs. Lex is charming and handsome. He’s bald but there’s something friendly in his face, he doesn’t look the part of the eccentric millionaire and she wonders about Kal’s early comment and the reason why he doesn’t like aliens “Anyway, Kara,this is my sister, Lena Luthor”.

  
Wow.

  
Good looks must run in the family because Lena is the most beautiful girl she’d ever seen. Her green eyes, just a tone lighter than Lex’s, caught her and suddenly all the words in her brain are gone.

  
“ _You’re beautiful”_ she says and then Kara blushes because, okay, can you please calm down?

  
Kal’s eyes are wide enough to let her know her slip didn’t go unnoticed.

  
“I’m sorry” Clark tried “Um, when we were little we used to speak in this language of our own and sometimes it just goes out” he laughs and Kara realizes that she just spoke kryptonian in front of Lex and Lena Luthor.

  
“So what did she say?” even Lena’s voice is beautiful (a grave tone in it).

  
“Um, I said ‘hi’ actually, I’m sorry” she shrugs and Lex laughs.

  
“You need to teach me, Kansas, that was amazing” he says, taking Lena’s package and walking towards the jet. Somehow, Lena’s eyes are on her during the trip. She has a book on her lap but from time to time she looks at Kara, trying to analyse her. Sometimes her heartbeat elevates but the sound is soothing to Kara and she doesn’t know why.

* * *

  
Spain’s summer, she reflects, is warmer than the hottest day in California. Here in what Lex calls the Water Gardens, the air sticks to the skin. Lena, of course, looks more composed than Kara, though she spots a fine sheen of sweat at her temple that sometimes travels through her face, going down her neck and Kara had to supress a shiver.

  
While the heat is torturous, the company is pleasant. Or at least it ought to be. After their first awkward meeting, Lena and Kara formed a tentative friendship. Perhaps it’s getting to her, crawling under Kara’s skin and making everything else miserable –every word, every movement, every glance. Lena’s eyes drop at a compliment one of the boys there pays her, and even this small thing irritates Kara to no end.

  
Or perhaps it’s only that she is homesick for a more familiar heat. The red Spanish peaks in the distance are striking, to be sure, and the wet summer has made wildflowers bloom in the fields as far as the eye can see, but it’s not home. Not her home.

It’s Lena’s, though. They are spending their days and nights in the Luthor’s summer residence. And it seems that every man from the other residences has come to try their chance with her. The worst of them is a guy called Maxwell Lord, he’s older than both of them but that does not stop him, not even Lex’s warnings deter him. Handsome and intelligent, he talks with Lena about projects and prototypes, but in Kara’s opinion he is utterly untrustworthy. On the other hand, she has no idea what Lena thinks of the man. She is friendly to him as she is with everyone.

 

Kara hadn’t seen this side of Clark, relaxed and playful. He is in his element. Lex and he made an incredible duo and she knows now why this was so important to him. Kara feels it too: in this paradise, she is more human, a past of destruction behind her.

 

If only they would be alone with the Luthors. It’s like the house lives in a permanent party. Every now and then someone appears and Lex is a gracious host. The others boys are hardly better. Not for lack of character; Kara simply doesn’t like them. Of all of them, it’s Jack Spheer, another trust fund baby, the one she likes the most. If Kara had to choose one to spend time with, it would be Jack. He’s smart and funny but he lacks Maxwell’s arrogance. Lena herself, however, has shown no preference thus far.

 

“We’re going to the beach later, wanna come?”

  
The speaker is Dick Grayson, the adoptive protégé of Bruce Wayne, another of Clark and Lex’s friends. He is gentle and respectful and he wears a short swimsuit as everyone seems to favor in the heat, exposing parts of body’s skin she had not seen in her whole life.

Kara averts her eyes. Unfortunately, they decided to travel towards Lena, who in a concession to her comfort wears more of the same as the others. She is fanning herself with the sun-hat meant to protect her skin from burning, and at the little wave of wind she creates, her lips form an “o” of relief.

  
Yep, she can’t look at that, either.

  
Lord suggests himself for company, and Kara marks how his eyes follow the curves of Lena’s backside (as she did just seconds ago).

 

“I’d like to come as well” Kara says abruptly, and several pairs of eyes glance at her in surprise.

 

"Um, sure" Dick answers, his cheks blushing suddenly.

* * *

  
“You could be more pleasant” Lena suggests, in Kara’s room later that afternoon. During the hottest part of the day, the people in the house have a tradition of retiring, and sometimes sleeping a bit. Lena and Kara have separate chambers adjoined by a private door.

A grim line settles between Kara’s eyebrows:

  
“I’m perfectly pleasant”

  
“No” Lena corrects “I understand, it’s a strange place and strange people but you could smile once in a while. I think Dick Grayson was flirting with you back there, you know. You could, I don’t know, maybe have fun for a change”.

  
“Have fun? Like what?” Kara replies, genuinely confused.

  
Lena rolls her eyes like she’s trying to keep her cool: “Dick is handsome, he’s your age and he thinks you’re beautiful. Maybe you want to explore that?”

  
“Dick?” the idea hadn’t cross her mind because all the time she has been here Lena was in the center of her thoughts “Do you want to have fun with someone?”

  
“Do you?” she counters.

  
“Me?”

  
“You, Kara Danvers” infinite patience, Lena tells herself.

  
Kara’s bewilderment would be amusing if it wasn’t so frustrating. Surely she must notice how the boy’s eyes followed her everywhere, right? No, it is still amusing, Lena thinks. She pets Kara’s cheek and watches a mulish frown settle onto her face.

  
“You’re mocking me” her hands, settled on her knees, twitch as if Kara meant to grip something…

  
“I am not” Lena says, aghast “Kara, surely you don’t think me capable of such” then her throat closes up. Of course she does. For a moment she cannot speak, but she steadies her voices as she says: “You do understand that vacations are meant to be fun, don’t you?”

  
“I… I’m not like that”

  
The remark hurts Lena. Of course. Clark's little cousin looks like a dream, so pretty and untouched.

  
“You don’t need to be like that. Just have fun”

  
“Still, I don’t think our definitions of fun are the same” Kara points out.

  
“Maybe they don’t” Lena says gently, touching her warm shoulder “Just do what you are comfortable with, okay?”

  
“Perhaps, but…” slowly Kara shakes her head.

  
“If you don’t want to, then you don’t, that’s simple. It looks to me that you are always uncomfortable when we’re with someone else. You don’t have to be with me all the time, you know?”

  
“But I want to. I want to be with you”.

  
“Is that why you’ve been glowering at all the boys?”

Lena only means to gently tease her, but a hot flush settles into her cheeks and her eyes glow like a red sun: “Don’t be ridiculous” she snaps.

  
Strung, Lena crosses her arms: “I’m not being ridiculous. You’re the one being ridiculous”.

  
Kara huffs, then glances at the door. Lena can tell when she’s not wanted, so she takes her leave.

In her room, she wishes desperately for sleep. Either calm oblivion or gripping nightmare would be better than the madness that has seized her, the one that makes her want to march back to Kara’s room and… what? She asks herself, almost cruelly. What do I intend to do? Kiss her?

  
Don’t be so stupid…

  
It was Lena who had initiated this business in the first place; she has no right to complain. She meant to make herself free of her, free of her awful thoughts of Kara. Then, she decided to spend every awake minute in Lena’s company which… was making everything harder.

  
It would be easier, Lena thought, if only Kara didn’t look at her the way she did sometimes. If only she didn’t snap and growl at the other boys in the house when they came near. If only Kara didn’t give her thread after thread of foolish hope to hand onto until they unraveled.

* * *

 

“They look good together” a gentle voice interrupts her thoughts.

  
Kara returns her gaze to Dick Grayson, a heat rising to her cheeks that has nothing to do with the climate. He really is handsome. His black messy hair and blue eyes gave him a striking appearance: “Yes, they do”.

  
Nearby, Lena and Jack are taking a turn in the gardens, their heads bowed close together, their raven hair so alike moving with the soft wind. Lena’s face is pink, though it could be only the effect of the sun. Kara frowns. Let her burn if she wishes to, she thinks, thought the sulkiness of it is apparent even to herself. She sinks back further into the white willow-chair.

  
“They make a good couple, I guess. They are intelligent and good people, I think, they had a desire to be good and kind. What else could you ask for, right?”

  
“I guess” she admits without any other comment.

  
Dick is watching her with a keen gaze, as though he knows something about her he isn’t admitting.

Kara shifts, uncomfortable under his gaze.

  
“I think they knew each other for a while. He is nice and that’s something I can’t say about the others here”.

  
“I know, right?” Dick laughs and Kara knows they’re thinking in Maxwell Lord “These rich guys, I wish they could see more than their asses”.

  
Kara laughs even if a part of her wants to remind Dick that he is one of the rich guys. It is absurd to say it now and she doesn’t want to hurt him.

  
“Yeah” Kara turns the hammered silver cup she’s been drinking from around in her hand. The outside is lined with droplets of condensation. She wants to hold it up to her face, yet that would be showing weakness. She fingers the slight chill instead.

  
“I thought, maybe… we could make a good couple too” there’s a note of amusement in his voice that makes Kara look up sharply “yet I think you have no interest in it”.

  
“I’m sorry” she says automatically, then amends “You’re great, Dick, but I…” she leaves it there, not knowing how to continue. She can’t say it’s not you, it’s me, even if it’s true, it sounds offensive somehow.

  
“That’s okay” Dick says dryly, but he smiles at her “I guess that I had to try it. Umm, don’t worry about it. We could still be friends?” there’s a trace of wistfulness in his voice. Kara’s hand clenches, she’s sure if she could, Kara would be burning right now under the sun.

  
“Dick, you’re incredible” she says, releasing the hold in her hand “Anyone would be thrilled to go out with you”

  
“But not you, I think”.

  
“I won’t hurt you like that” it’s as delicate as Kara knows how to be. She could fly and destroy buildings with only her hands, but apparently she cannot deal with boys. She doesn’t have the experience. She was always the weird kid and she didn’t like anyone like that until…

  
Careful, she thinks, don’t go there.

  
Dick Grayson’s blue gaze falls on Jack and Lena, where they are conversing about flowers, of all things. Jack is telling her about the great orange blooms, calling them with a scientific name Kara can’t pronounce, and follows his explanation by plucking one from a nearby blush and tucking it over Lena’s ear. In return Lena begins telling him of peas and their importance in Mendel’s studies. She’s such a nerd, Kara thinks laughing at her response. Jack is trying to be romantic and Lena wants to talk about peas. _Outstanding_. Lena glances at Kara as she tells a tale about Lex trying to cultivate peas when they were children, casting her a small smile as she does, as if she knew Kara was listening.

  
“No” Dick says, jarring her (she forgot he was there) “I think your interest lies elsewhere”.

* * *

  
“Come on, it’s tradition!” Lex says. They’re on the pool, Lena on his shoulders, trying to block the hot sun. Her back burns and she will regret stay in the sun for so long in the night. Clark and Kara are the only ones unburnt, even if Kara’s creamy skin is just a tone darker than Lena’s.

  
“You asked for it, Luthor” Barbara Gordon screams on Dick Grayson’s shoulders, some of the others giggle.

   
“A bit of fine sport may help keep our minds off the heat” Maxwell Lord suggests, leering at Lena. Gross.

  
“Are you up for it, Kansas?” Lex called Clark “Kara and you against Lena and me” almost all of them are drunk and the others are halfway there. Kara’s been restless and on edge since her morning talk with Dick. There is appeal in the idea of working off that tension. Making it go away.

  
“It’s Luthor tradition” Lena says with perfect seriousness, before she breaks out into a smirk. Clark and her agree after that and he whispers between his teeth, only for her ears:

  
“ _Be careful_ ”

  
Kara gets mad at his warning. Her behavior has been incredible and no one suspects that she is more than Clark’s little cousin. Kara bits her tongue so she can’t reply.

 

“You know that won’t do” Lex laughs signaling them “No shirts policy, Kansas, remember?”

 

Clark groans but takes off his shirt and Jack cat calls at him. Kara takes off the robe she was given and enters the pool. She hears some of the guys talking gross things about her to each other but she focuses in Lena’s heartbeat again, trying to drown the noise. Lena’s heart rate, however, elevates a little.

  
Kara smiles.

  
“I must warn you, we’re not good at this” Clark says as Kara climbs his back “No pools in Kansas”

  
“Don’t try to drag Kara with you, Clark” Lex replies and Lena snorts.

They’re bad, like really bad, mainly because they are trying to not break the humans in front of them. Kara is too distracted by the feel of Lena’s soft and fragile skin. She’s afraid of hurting her that her touch resembles a caress and she’s sure Lena noticed it.

The Luthors victory isn’t terribly humiliating, at least, Kara decides as she swims after falling on purpose. The heat was becoming unbearable and Lena’s moves were more aggressive against her, mirroring her actions.

  
Kara feels her when she reemerges from the water, a pair of green eyes looking at her intently.

“Come on” Lena smirks, her hand on Kara’s shoulder. Lena’s fingers traces a word on her skin and Kara feels burns with every touch she gives “Wanna take a bath? There are private pools for that” she looks around “Coming?”

  
Kara just nods.

* * *

  
“Men and women have separate pools for bathing” Clark explains, giving her a robe and a towel.

  
“Like naked?” Kara inquires, staring after where Lena departed.

  
“Yeah, naked” Clark laughs “Last time I checked that’s how you take a bath, Kara”.

  
“Oh, okay” Kara says coolly “I mean, Alex and I went to a Sauna, once, there were certain times of day reserved for women and others for men” not that she was naked, Kara adds silently, feeling childish. Was this any different than taking a shower? Calm down, Kara.

  
“Don’t worry, Lex and I will keep the guys in line” Clark assures her “If you don’t want to take a bath, that’s okay. I’ll be seeing you at dinner” he kissed her forehead and left. A gaggle of talking women fill the space, moving slowly, making their way to a series of graduated pools, each connected to the other by a small, low waterfall. It was so lovely Kara forgets where she is for a moment, and there’s only crystal clear water, white granite and the bright colorless sky outside.

  
Some women start to take their clothes off while talking with each other, she noted, Barbara Gordon and Stephanie Brown are laughing with some joke and they seem comfortable with each other. A shiver runs through her back, thinking about Lena in this same room, taking her clothes.

  
Kara turns her back to the other women and slowly disrobe herself, lowering into the private pool, her feet making contact with the water and finally unlacing the shift and pull it over her head. The water is cool and perfect, probably perfect for to the others after an afternoon against the hot sun. Kara hears them talking and playing but no one disrupt her. It’s just deep enough to duck her head underneath, thinking it was wise to pin up her braids or they would have dragged down her head, heavy and wet.

Those who knew each other, who have been here before, seem comfortable in their nudity but they never overstep, so Kara feels safe and pretends she is as at ease. Still, it is strange to see women’s bodies displayed so frankly. Kara starts to relax after a while, closing her eyes and enjoying the flow of the water. There’s a fragrance in the air that she recognizes as Lena’s and Kara inhales deeply. Her minds is blank and her senses start to loose.

  
“Kara is hot” she suddenly hears. It’s no more than a whisper and she knows it was only meant to be listen for someone else. Barbara, you think recognizing the voice.

 

“I wouldn’t go there” Stephanie mumbles also in a low tone.

  
“Why not?” Barbara says, amused “She turned down Dick, he told me so”.

  
The chatter is pleasant and meaningless for a time, but she can’t stop listening to their friendly banter. It’s wrong and bad but now that she focused in their voices, she can’t hear anything else.

  
“Haven’t you notice how Lena looks at her?” Stephanie answers, giggling “I bet there’s something between them”.

  
“Luthor?” Barbara laughs and Kara is sure her face shows a smirk “Please, she has been with Jack Spheer all the time”.

  
Kara’s chest hurts. Barbara is right. She doesn’t have a chance against Jack. Half of the time she doesn’t know what they are talking about and she’s only there, like a shadow.

  
“Have they sleep together?” Stephanie asks curiously. Barbara slaps her shoulder, laughing.

 

“Shut up, I don’t know, jeez” they’re giggling uncontrollably “Lena Luthor is a lady. I bet she’s still a virgin”

  
“I bet Kara’s still a virgin” they laugh again.

 

“I wouldn’t mind changing that” is Barbara’s response and Kara has enough “I have an idea” Barbara declares, to a chuckling Stephanie.

  
“What’s your idea, genius?” Her friend inquired, politely.

  
“You haven’t been to the men’s pools yet, have you?”

  
“What? Of course not!” Kara’s heart picks up pace. Didn’t they say they were for bathing, like thewomen?

 

“Come on, it will be fun” Barbara moves in the pool “Clark must be keeping them in line because the guys always spy on us. I’m surprised we haven’t seen any yet, frankly. They’re never very good at hiding”.

 

“Clark is so dreamy” Stephanie replies “those family genes must be gold”

 

“I know! Mm too bad they’re so respectful” a chuckle escapes from their mouths and rolls over the surface of the water “Well… are you coming or not?” Barbara is impatient but her tone suggests she wouldn’t care one way or the other. She steps out of the pool and Kara hears how she took her robe and put it on her body.

“You’re the worst, but I’ll accompany you” Stephanie decides.

 

They start to walk, their feet resounding on the cool floor.

 

“What are you doing?” A voice asks louder.

 _Oh no_.

That was Lena. Feeling wicked and bold, Kara leans in. It takes her vision a moment to adjust, to realize what she’s seeing: They’re rather away than she expected and that left a tinge of disappointment. But she can see them perfectly: Lena’s hair is free, plain and raven while Barbara’s is red and curly at the end. Their figures are incredible even with the robe. Kara has an artist’s eye, she notices these things. Perhaps it’s that same instinct that lets her eyes trail over the gentle curve of Lena’s spine where she stand with her back to Kara.

  
“We’re going to spy on the boys” comes Barbara’s sing-song voice.

  
“That’s childish” Lena answers.

  
“You’re no fun, Lena Luthor” Barbara walked around Lena “Don’t you wanna see Jack?”

  
“Ew, gross”.

  
“I told you so” Stephanie whispers but they darted away already. Kara hears their sandals slap against the stones, the sound slowly fading… but not disappearing…

Suddenly she hears a shout go up and Lena runs towards the exit. Several shouts – masculine shouts. When Kara concentrates enough, she finds herself laughing at Barbara’s mischief-making. One of the men splashes her with a great wave, causing Stephanie and her to shriek, and the other boys are heckling her to what the hell, go away, get out of here! Still, they seem undeterred.

  
“You’ll have to catch me!” Barbara cries, and several men take up the challenge.

  
Kara can guess how the chase will end for the victor, and the thought makes a shiver of fear and excitement run through her. If it was someone I wanted to catch me… She stood up, taking her robe and quickly put it on, her heart beating like crazy. She steals out onto the pathways with a half-formed hope she dare not voice, even to herself. The gardens are a maze of shrubbery and stone; Kara’s not even sure she remembers the way back.

  
Multiple sets of hurried footsteps draw closer, shouts in the distance, but she only hears one particular heartbeat so she throws herself into a shadowed alcove, her own heart hammering inside her chest.

  
A body throws itself into her space, colliding with her. She almost shrieks, before a hand (a soft hand) covers her mouth. Kara raises her eyes to the other person, half-afraid of who she might find, terrified her hopes and senses have led her astray once more…

  
Even though the sun is behind her, shadowing her face, there’s no mistaking of a pair of bright green eyes.

  
Kara slumps against the warm stone in relief.

  
Lena holds up a finger to her lips, and Kara nods.

  
Sorry, she mouths, removing her hand and trying to shift away. But she can’t go too far, or else she’ll be found out, so they must stand as close together as they are now, almost like a statue of lovers she saw the other day.

  
Together they listen as a lighter set of feet make themselves known. Barbara, Kara recognizes her boisterous, mocking laugh. The footsteps slow as she draws near to where they are hiding. Her approach is interrupted by Dick Grayson’s shout: “Found her!” and Barbara breaks into a run with a playful cry. The footsteps recede.

  
It is Lena’s turn to be relieved. She runs a hand over her face; she’s been sweating. Lena’s close enough that Kara can feel the lightest puffs of air against her skin as she pants.

  
“Were you chasing her?” Kara whispers.

  
Lena straightens up with a frown, leaning back:

  
“She was chasing me” she mutters, sounding baffled.

  
Then her gaze drifts down. Kara realizes that in the commotion, her robe has been knocked askew. Untethered, the edges of the silk gape, revealing her. Lena’s eyes linger at her breasts, then lower, at the apex of her legs. One of her hands comes up to rub across her mouth, but for a long moment Lena doesn’t move, as if stunned.

  
Kara takes that moment to really look at her. She was wearing a red lace nightgown she realizes with a shock. The clothes linger on her wet skin, waters dripping from her hair, one drop traveling her chest while Kara’s eyes follow the trail.

  
_Overwhelming._

  
Lena is panting, her open mouth releasing hot air on Kara’s face. She had never seen anyone like this. She hadn’t wanted anyone like this. Her fingers itch to touch every part of Lena’s skin, to see if it’s truly as soft as it looks like. Her hand trembles when it made contact with Lena’s hips and Kara brings her closer. Her lips are suddenly on Lena’s neck and she hears a moan escaping her mouth.

  
Caught, Kara thinks with a strangle glee, not even sure whether she means Lena or to herself.

  
_Caught, caught, caught._

  
When Lena opens her eyes, Kara smiles.

  
She is close to her mouth now but instead of the kiss she’s been longing, Lena runs. If they were in the real world (the real world outside the Luthor’s summer residence) Kara would run away too, scared and afraid of what this means. It would be easy for her to hide, to hide from everyone. But they’re in Spain, millions of miles away from Krypton, from Midvale. She just wants to be brave. Kara has been hiding since the day she landed on Earth.

  
She wants to do something for herself for the first time since she left Krypton and her parents behind.

* * *

  
There’s only one place Lena would go, could go, to reliably be alone. And she will wish to be alone, of that Kara is certain.

  
She slips into her room, making sure not to let the door creak. She had to put on something more decent to walk about the mansion… but she kept the white robe, assuring the servant she had returned it to the pile already, and she slips into it now and pulls her hair down so it flows over her shoulder.

  
With her hand on the door adjoining their rooms, she pauses.

  
She doesn’t know if Lena had locked this door, too, and she’s almost afraid to find out. If she doesn’t do anything, Lena will try to forget it… she would blame it to the heat, the closeness… and Kara might lose her resolve and let her.

  
So she doesn’t let herself think about the consequences and simply pushes the door open.

  
Lena whirls around with wide eyes like a startled deer.

  
“What are you doing here?” she sounds almost petulant.

  
“Isn’t it clear?” Kara’s question is not teasing or mocking, but earnest.

  
Lena’s mouth works silently before she shuts it. A determined stern look slides over her face:

  
“We shouldn’t do this” she warns.

  
That stern look would be more effective at putting her off if Kara hadn’t seen her put it on a hundred times already to do some grim task she didn’t like (for example, when Maxwell Lord was around).

  
Instead of turning her away, all it makes her do, with a burst of triumph, is draw closer.

  
Lena steps back reflexively, once, twice, before the backs of her knees collide with the bed and she sits down, hard. Her hand twitches. Kara comes close enough to take it between hers, stroke it, and then raise it to her mouth.

  
She exhales cold air on it and Lena shivers.

  
Kara knows she’s won when Lena moves to grip the back of her neck, squeezing. Perhaps next Lena pulls her down for a kiss, or she lowers herself for one, she does not know; all she knows for sure is that Lena’s mouth is on hers, tasting her, first in shallow sips and then deeper swallows.

  
Kara’s pulse has settled somewhere between her legs, beating like her heart in a steady thrum that only quickens when Lena’s other hand draws her closer by the hip. The movement loosens her robe and this time Lena’s quick to undo the tie and let it fall open. Satisfaction settles on her like a cat when she sees how Lena looks at her.

  
When she takes a nipple between her lips and sucks, Kara gives a soft cry and tries to steady herself against her but her knees weaken perilously. Lena catches her with an arm under her rear.

  
“I can’t” Kara whispers into her black hair “I need...”

  
Lena groans against her sternum. Kara means to have her lay her on the bed, but instead Lena urges her onto her knees, straddling her lap. Lena’s fingers bunch in the hem of her robe, making the silk slide against her skin. Kara doesn’t even know what she want Lena to do, exactly, she thinks, but whatever it is, she wants it with a surprising fierceness. She tips forward until her forehead rests against Lena’s, and for a moment they only breathe together.

  
Kara’s hands stroke Lena’s where they rest against her thighs, and she slides them up her hips, pushing her robe out of the way. Her knuckles brush the sides of Kara’s breasts, her hands unfolding to cup her and squeeze lightly. One hand drops to her hip again, digging into her rear and pulling her up so Lena can kiss and lick the tip into a sensitive peak.

  
“Lena” Kara moans, for the pleasure of seeing the other girl’s eyes meet hers wide and dark before she kisses her again.

  
Her knuckles brush over her belly, then the insides of her thighs, making her tremble. When Lena finally cups her, they both exhale – sharply, shakily. With a whimper, Kara drops her head to her neck and closes her eyes.

  
All the world has disappear and there’s only Lena’s heat, Lena’s body, _Lena, Lena, Lena_ …

  
Her fingers slide back and forth, too urgent to be truly gentle, and Kara loves that. She loves that Lena wants this as much as she does. One of her fingers slides further back, questing, dipping into her. Just barely. But it’s enough to cause her to imagine her there, parting her, and suddenly the world stops and she cries out before going limp against Lena’s chest.

* * *

  
“Did you…?” Lena asks, watching Kara coming down.

  
“I guess…” she whispers “I’ve never…”

  
_Oh_.

  
_Your first time should be with someone you loved._

  
Lena tries to break their embrace, but Kara is heavier than she looks. Luckily, she feels her discomfort and lies on the bed, breathing hard and closing her eyes. Lena means to get her distance from her, to stop this madness somehow. Maybe have a little time to herself (in which she would touch herself like a teenager, thinking about Kara’s moans), put out the burning bonfire that’s sprung up inside her, and find a way to forget about all this.

  
“Are you okay?” she inquires because it seems like Kara’s not breathing.

  
“Yeah, it’s just… too much…”

  
And then she’s wiggling out that damn robe, laying completely nude on her bed, the flash of slippery pink skin between her legs arrests Lena. Kara catches her with a hand at her shoulder, pulling her closer and Lena goes.

  
Not where she intends, exactly. She nudges her thighs apart and spreads her with her fingers before covering her with her mouth. Kara tastes some Spanish perfume they put in their bathwater, and salt, and musk.

  
She’s still too sensitive from her climax, so Lena avoids her small nub, and instead tongues her slit until she’s sopping wet and canting her hips towards her face. Oh, Kara says, again and again, half an exclamation of surprise and half a sigh of pleasure. _Oh, oh, oh_ she says it when Lena slides one finger into her depths and then two, when her knees tip further open.

  
Feeling her walls tighten on her dizzies Lena. She adds a third. This time Kara whimpers, tossing her head, and clutches at her.

  
“Please, Lena, come up here… I want to…”

  
Lena almost makes her say it, wanting to hear it from her lips, but she is distracted by the task of taking off the red nightgown with slippery fingers. Finally it’s gone, and she is free to touch Kara without any barrier between them. Kara perches herself on one elbow and takes her in her other hand. Lena hisses through her teeth at the unexpected contact and covers her hand with her own, tightening her grip. Kara draws her hand down her lips and back up, agonizingly slow, and explores her clit with her thumb, probing at her gently, curiously.

  
When Lena can take it no more, she pulls her hand away by the wrist and pushes it over her head, pinning her. But Kara surprises her when she easily flips them over.

  
“Let me…” she mumbles on her breast, her lips almost biting Lena’s skin.

  
Kara’s fingers brushes over her center and she looks at her with a final question, a final line presented for the crossing. Lena nods fervently, kisses her lightly on the lips and settles back into the bed.

  
All it takes is a nudge and then she’s sinking into her, Lena feels her everywhere. The sensation takes her by surprise. She’s no virgin, she had shared her bed with women and sometimes men, but Lena’s forgotten how it feels, to be gripped and held. Combined with Kara’s soft cry in her ear, it’s a wonder she doesn’t come immediately. Her hand tighten on Kara’s hair, almost painfully, but she can’t let it go. She draws in her breath and lets it out deliberately slowly.

  
“Lena…” Kara moans “Are you okay?”

  
She nods quickly, drawing her open palm down Kara’s back, touching soft skin there, settling in her lower back, urging her on.

  
“You feel so good” Kara says, kissing her neck and Lena wants to beg her to mark her “If I hurt you…”

  
“You won’t” Lena breaths on her ear “You won’t”.

  
Kara kisses her again and starts to move again, thrusting again, taking her over and over and feeling her slick depths welcoming Kara’s fingers each time. It’s sinfully easy to obey when Kara asked her to lay on her knees while she positioned behind her. Kara tries to go slow, but despite her best efforts, Lena’s pleasure builds quickly. When Kara wraps her arm around her, bringing her closer, and she looks between their bodies to see where they meet, seeing her fingers plunging in and out of her, Lena’s climax takes her forcefully, leaving her mind to blissful oblivion.

  
For a little while, at least.

* * *

  
They make love twice more while the rest of the house is asleep during high heat. Each time is better, but tinged with more desperation, the kind that makes them determined to explore this, and each other, as much as they can, as though it might be the last time, though Kara dares not let herself think the thought directly.

  
Lena catches her hand as Kara’s touch travels down her belly for a fourth time, shaking her head wearily. Kara curls up against her chest and refuses to relinquish her hand.

  
“Kara” Lena whispers against her temple “I don’t think I can…”

  
She ignores her until Lena speaks again:

  
“I’m serious” Kara exhales letting her go and closes her eyes, breathing evenly.

  
Lena looks around her. It looks like some bomb dropped there. The sheets are destroyed and the drawer behind her bed is torn. How did that happen? The headboard has a crack in the middle.

 

_Oh._

  
“What are we going to do?” she asks instead, ignoring the pleasant throb between her legs. She knows this will hurt tomorrow but for now…

  
Kara shakes her head stubbornly. Lena sighs.

  
“We’ll have to make a decision eventually, darling” her hand lies on Kara’s shoulder, tracing her name on the soft skin.

  
Kara loves the Danvers, loves her family, loves Kal even after all. It stings to think there will be a time in which she might choose them yet, over Lena. It seems unfair, now that she knows Lena does want her after all. She has been selfish for wanting this. Was it really too bad to want this? To want what Jeremiah and Eliza had? To want what Alex will find later in her life? To want what Clark and Lois have?

  
“I… I don’t know what to do” she admits, though she sounds doubtful “My life is… um, complicate right now”.

  
“Mine too” Lena says, thinking about Lillian, about the company, about Lex’s increasing hate towards the unknown.

  
Kara’s grip on her hand tightens. It makes her want to smile until her cheeks hurt, and it makes her feel so frustrated she wants to cry. It gives her an idea.

  
Lena sits up. The movement jostles Kara, making her look at Lena directly. Her blue eyes gaze, sometimes electric, is warm now.

  
“Whatever we decide” she says “We’ll do it only thinking about us, not someone else. But first, you will tell me something I want to know. But you must speak truly”.

  
Kara watches her warily, her secrets behind her beautiful eyes.

  
“I swear”.

  
Lena caresses her cheek: “What do you want? Here” she presses her palm against her chest, over her breasts, feeling her heart beating “Not what you think you should want. Not what you want to want. But what you secretly want, in your heart”.

  
She looks conflicted: “Lena”.

  
“You promised” she reminds her.

  
A long time passes before, haltingly, she speaks:

  
“I just want to be happy”

  
Lena smiles, her decision already made.

**Author's Note:**

> come yell at me at jonathanngroff.tumblr.com


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